Spotlight: David P. Ervin and Leaving the Wire: An Infantryman’s Iraq

When I got into the room and took all my gear off it hit me hard.  What exactly it was that hit me I could only describe as an avalanche of horror and hopelessness.  I felt like I was trapped in my own death.  There was no way out, and I had to play the dice game over and over.  It didn’t matter if it happened today, tomorrow, or in the coming months, but it was going to happen, and it was going to be painful, brutal, and ugly.  As much as I tried, I couldn’t muster up another thought.  It was just all so fucked up, I thought.  There was nothing good about this place except for surviving a patrol, and when that happened it just meant that you’d be right back out there the next day.  The tears began to well up, but then reason took over.  I lit a cigarette.

–excerpt from Leaving the Wire: An Infantryman’s Iraq

David P. Ervin served as an infantryman in the Iraq War in 2005. But it was a Thanksgiving dinner with his family that made him write about it. 

He describes that day as one of those in which “the walls seemed like they were closing in and the anxiety kept ratcheting up.” Continuing, David relates the aftermath of wartime service in a way that many veterans are all-too-familiar with:

My family was gathered together for Thanksgiving and I was there. But, at the same time, I wasn’t.  I went outside for a smoke, and my younger brother followed me out.  He asked if I was OK.  I just told him it was a bad day, head stuff, and that I would be fine.  Then he asked me a really simple question, “Where does it all come from?”

David claims that non-veterans like his younger brother have “no frame of reference” for understanding what is endured during service. Upon returning home, he majored in history because he was drawn to the work of preserving the stories of veterans. But it was the disconnect he saw between those who’ve served and those who’ve not that made him want to write his own history:

It dawned on me after he asked his question that I hardly understood what had happened to me.  I served as an infantryman from 2002-2006, and did a tour in the Sunni Triangle just south of Baghdad for OIF III.  We saw it all there.  My company, Echo Troop 2-11 Armored Cavalry Regiment, took five KIA and several more wounded.  Most of us who came back are haunted by what happened there.  Nothing really made sense, even though I knew I’d experienced what amounted to the essence of the Iraq War; IEDs, mortars and rockets, car bombs, snipers, sectarian violence, and all the rest.  I remembered it well, so I figured if I wrote about it maybe I could understand.  Maybe I could get to the root of the things troubling me and start dealing with them in a real, tangible way. 

David recently completed Leaving the Wire: An Infantryman’s Iraq, an account of his experiences there in Iraq circa 2005. 

I wrote about everything.  I didn’t pull any punches, and I forced myself to make it emotionally honest and as graphic as the experience itself.  I write about being scared out of my wits, callous to the horrors witnessed by others, and the conditioning I put myself through to make it out of there without snapping. 

He understands that he’s entering a market filled with stories of special operations, the invasion, and some of the larger battles of the war, but I he feels that his story of the “average” experience isn’t out there. 

The majority of combat veterans are dealing with an experience that was fairly typical for the war but not so sensational that it would garner a blockbuster movie status.  Their story needed to be told, too, though, and I figured if I could tell mine it might help people “get it.” After studying history in college I knew that the only way we had an idea of what the past was like was from the written record of people who experienced things.  In a way this was making sure what we did was remembered. 

At the moment, David is working with his fellow veterans in one of Military Experience’s online writing groups. This group will lead to the production of Blue Nostalgia, a collection of stories about post-traumatic growth and resiliency produced by The Veterans’ PTSD project. The anticipated release date for that collection is December 2013. You can find Leaving the Wire as an e-book in late October. Follow his continued journey as an author and veteran on Facebook here.

Giving and Taking – Part Three of Three

Thank you to Serve the Warrior for sharing an article from their The Flying Guinea Pig blog. Serve the Warrior is a like-minded nonprofit whose mission is creating community spaces that help heal the invisible wounds of veterans.
Thank you to Serve the Warrior for sharing an article from their The Flying Guinea Pig blog. Serve the Warrior is a like-minded nonprofit whose mission is creating community spaces that help heal the invisible wounds of veterans.

Giving and Taking- Part Three of Three

by Robert Tanner

Please read Part One and Part Two to understand where this picks up:

A couple of frantic minutes later, the noise in my mind was interrupted by Leigh’s soothing voice. By concentrating on her words, I was able to re‐focus my thoughts and get back to the task at hand. She had us focus on a loved one that was sick or in need of help. With every inhale, we were to take in their suffering and with every exhale, concentrate on giving out love, hope, and understanding. As my son was sick that day, I envisioned taking away his suffering with every breath in, and with every exhale, sending him love and wellness. A few moments later, I began the same process, but focused on the parents of my fallen brothers. With every inhale, I imagined taking away the pain they felt from losing their sons, and with every exhale, sent them my love and understanding.

However, it only took a few more breaths before my mind went nuts again. I was trying so hard to concentrate but kept failing. Finally, Leigh Anne guided us to come out of our meditative state. All I could think about as I came back to full awareness was how completely I had failed at meditation. I was disappointed because I thought I would only heal if I were able to concentrate the whole time.

But then, I realized that I had completely lost track of time as we were meditating.  What had felt like ten minutes had actually been a full half hour. Also, I noted with surprise that I felt different, almost airy. My senses seemed more attuned, as if I could hear things better, could really feel each step I took.  Everything looked lighter, as if it were emitting some kind of aura. As I was pulled out of the parking lot, the world seemed a little bit clearer.

Robert TannerIt’s been nearly two weeks now and I find myself using Tonglen almost daily. In tense situations, I focus on my breathing and my surroundings. With each breath, I concentrate on the cause of the tension and why it brings me suffering, and with each exhale, I bring to mind thoughts of happiness and healing. I do the same when I feel the guilt start to creep in. I focus on the cause of my guilt, the suffering of the families and friends, and when I exhale, I try to extend my thoughts of happiness to them, in hopes that I can in some way help them to heal as well.

I went into this experience somewhat skeptical but with an open mind. I can say with all my heart that I am truly convinced that there are ways other than medication to heal. Things seem to be looking up. Maybe meditation is my calling after all.

© Serve the Warrior 2013 All Rights Reserved

Learn more at www.servethewarrior.org

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Spotlight: Artist Giuseppe Pellicano

Dr. Tara Leigh Tappert, the art editor for The Journal of Military Experience’s third volume, and a person as ingratiated with the veteran art community as one can get through her various roles as editor, curator, college instructor, and non-profit leader, recently said that Giuseppe Pellicano was “the real deal” when asked which artists we should put a spotlight on leading up to the release of our next volume.

The staff of Military Experience and the Arts agreed, choosing Giuseppe’s Tea Time as the cover art for the JME 3. Giuseppe served in the United States Army as a medic from 2000-2004, earning the rank of sergeant and doing tours in Germany, Kosovo, and in the continental US. Tea Time is part of what Giuseppe calls his “Grenade Series,” a set of “photographic illustrations of the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder on soldiers and their families. The grenade symbolizes attempts to reintegrate into civilian life.  It was chosen for its three uses which can be mirrored in those who suffer from PTSD.”

He continues, explaining those “three uses,”

Grenades are used for attack whether in self-defense or offense; they are used to signal for help, and also to provide cover.  Soldiers who suffer from PTSD often become defensive and lash out due to increased anxiety, they may also seek help to find consolation, or in many cases hide their suffering and detach.  It is important to understand their struggles and recognize the battles they continue to face when returning home from conflicts.

Tea Time certainly pops with its vibrant color scheme and deceptively simple imagery. It is the potential the piece has to instruct under scrutiny, however, that made us chose it for the cover. Giuseppe’s work represents the imperative of providing veterans with a venue in which to express themselves, a place in which lessons that can only be given by those who’ve worn the uniform can take place.

Whereas most civilian artists would appropriate the grenade solely as a weapon and means of destruction, Giuseppe’s interpretation approaches the true complexity of post-traumatic experience, one representative of subjectivity and nuance.

Giuseppe’s use of the grenade underscores the cultural gap pervasive between military and civilian cultures. Soldiers see three uses, civilians only one. Similarly, there exists a tendency to treat all cases of mental illness among troops as the same. His use of a little girl evokes a discomfort in the audience that, within the context of a generation that so vocally “supports the troops,” forces them to question its source. Essentially he turns the damaging gaze of the stereotype upon itself, forcing the audience to examine its preconceived notions about veterans and the struggles they face upon returning home.

But that’s just one interpretation…What do you think?

The cover art for the third JME will feature the work "Tea Time" by veteran artist Giuseppe Pellicano. Read more about JME 3's art contributors here.
The cover art for the third JME will feature the work “Tea Time” by veteran artist Giuseppe Pellicano. Read more about JME 3’s art contributors here.

Military Experience and the Arts’s Katt Blackwell-Starnes recently did a Q & A with Giuseppe to learn a little more about his work, motivations, and plans for the future. Here’s what he had to say:

Q: What are you currently up to?

I am pursuing my MFA in Fine Arts, but currently taking a break.  I am also a member of the Dirty Canteen, which is a collaboration of artists.  Our work hopes to initiate a conversation about current and past events that revolve around War, politics, and healing.  We are developing a Documentary about our work, process, and commitments to the arts.  Other than that, I am currently focused on a work entitled the Grenade Series.  I am diligent in this process as I feel it is an important topic and as such, this work could be used to raise awareness about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  My research is based on discussions with other soldiers and families who find this illness challenging as they search for healing.  Their stories are my inspiration and I feel that if I rush the series, I may not reflect their hardships, healing process or means to reintegrate accurately.  This has been my most successful work in regards to reaching out to those who don’t quite understand PTSD.  With these photos, I have been able to find exhibition opportunities as well as have been awarded both Best in Show and First Place in this year’s National Veterans Creative Art Festival.

Q: How did you become interested and involved in military related art?

I returned to school three years ago.  I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to study, but thought that if I got out of the confines of my home, I could begin to reintegrate.  I took a Ceramics course at North Central College in Naperville, Illinois.  With the guidance, support, and understanding of three professors, Christine Rabenold, Wendy Koenig, and Kate Pszotka, I began to learn how to express myself through art.  I found something that provided me with an outlet.  I then decided to major in Studio Arts.  As I worked on pieces, I was asked to research artists.  This led me to find other military artists such as Ehren Tool, Thomas Dang, and Drew Cameron who inspire and motivate me.  This network continued to grow and I came in contact with more amazing artists who I am now close friends with and cherish their advice and the knowledge they so generously share with me.  By speaking with them and meeting many others, I decided to try and create a group in hopes to establish a zone for Veterans and Active Duty Military Members.  The intention is so that they can find a space to showcase original artworks in any form or medium. It is continually adding and building a community where Warrior Artists can exhibit, sell, enter contests and network with other Artists, Art Aficionados, and Professionals in the field. It is open to new artist who are learning their process as well as those who are accomplished artists and want to Mentor fellow brothers and sisters. It’s name is the Warrior Art Group.

Q: How has working with the JME helped and/or changed your own process?

JME has offered me, as well as many other Veteran artists another outstanding outlet to display our work, share our thoughts, and begin a conversation.  My process hasn’t changed.  I create works that speak about issues that not only affect soldiers, but our society as a whole. My ideas haven’t changed much since last year as I am pushing forward with the Grenade Series.

Giving and Taking – Part Two of Three

Thank you to Serve the Warrior for sharing an article from their The Flying Guinea Pig blog. Serve the Warrior is a like-minded nonprofit whose mission is creating community spaces that help heal the invisible wounds of veterans.
Thank you to Serve the Warrior for sharing an article from their The Flying Guinea Pig blog. Serve the Warrior is a like-minded nonprofit whose mission is creating community spaces that help heal the invisible wounds of veterans.

Giving and Taking – Part Two of Three

by: Robert Tanner

Please read Part One to understand where this picks up:

Thursday evening, I pulled into the parking lot of Sacred Om Yoga in Point Pleasant, NJ, feeling a bit nervous. “What did I get myself into,” I wondered as I made my way across the parking lot.  I wanted so badly for this to help, to feel that same sense of relief as when I finished the writing, but I was afraid.  I wasn’t convinced that meditation could actually help me. It’s not that I didn’t have an open mind; it’s just that I wasn’t sure everything would go as planned.

TannerIn the lobby, I was greeted by the owner, Susan, a very pleasant woman who made me feel welcome. As I was a few minutes early, I sat and made small talk with her. Soon, however, the lobby began to fill up with people of various genders and ages who were apparently taking the same class.  At that point, my anxiety kicked in: with so many people in the room, I was sure to get distracted.

Finally, the door to the yoga studio opened. A few people from the yoga class that had just ended decided to stick around, doubling the size of the meditation class. Leigh Anne, the instructor, greeted us, inviting us into the studio.  Taking my cue from the other students, I removed my shoes and socks and entered a large dimly lit room where pleasant South East Asian music played softly in the background. Leigh Anne instructed us to grab a pillow and a couple of blankets. We were to sit on the pillow with our legs crossed and lay the blanket on the floor beneath us so we’d have something to rest our feet on.

After everyone was settled, I was sure that we were going to break out in the dreaded chanting.  However, Leigh Anne just walked around the room handing out slips of paper to each student. I glanced at the paper. It was titled ‘Tonglen’ and gave a quick description of this style of meditation.

For the next twenty minutes, Leigh Anne went into detail about Tonglen, explaining its origin and how to practice the technique. For those unfamiliar with Tonglen, the word means “giving and taking” in Tibetan. When practicing Tonglen, you visualize taking on the suffering of others when you breathe in, and then giving happiness and success to them when you breathe out. As I sat there listening, I began to feel my backside go numb and I started wondering if we were actually going to meditate.

Leigh Anne wrapped up her talk and lowered the lights even more. She began by having us close our eyes and focus on our breath. Her voice was tranquil and soothing, like ocean waves. For the first few minutes, I was quite proud of myself for being as able focus on my breathing. But then, without warning, all hell broke loose inside my head. Thoughts came flooding in of the day’s events, what was coming up tomorrow, if my kids were going to get over their colds.  At that point, I started freaking out because my lack of focus was going to ruin the whole point of the exercise. How was this ever going to help me if I couldn’t concentrate?

TO BE CONTINUED… 

© Serve the Warrior 2013 All Rights Reserved

Learn more at www.servethewarrior.org

Serve the Warrior