by Zhyronn Carter
“Shay-Shay! Your daddy downstairs waiting for us!” Mom barked through my closed bedroom door.
“Yes, ma’am.” I stared at the reflection in my bedroom mirror. Mom grunted as her footsteps retreated down the stairs. I haven’t seen my relatives since I enlisted in the military twenty-three years ago. My stomach was in knots thinking about the last encounter I had with them, when they expressed their distaste for women serving in any capacity in the military. Now that I’m retired and my parents nagged me into oblivion, I decided to visit them this holiday season.
I crossed myself and bounced down the stairs. Dad was at the steering wheel, tapping his watch. Mom grabbed my cheeks, kissed my forehead, and scooted me into the back seat. After some squabbling over the best route to take to Grandma’s, we were finally on our way. The radio played the holiday classics, and I reminisced about the last time I was there. Pecan trees lined the avenue while an older farmhouse with a barn stood on the property. The setting evoked fond memories of sweet potato bread baking in the kitchen while Grandma, Mom, and my aunts drank their tea and gossiped. The men discussed football and the latest sporting news with the TV blasting. Meanwhile, my cousins and their friends whooped and hollered over a spirited game of Spades, Uno, or dominoes. Various kids ran around outside, tracking dirt in the house, while Grandma would scream and shout at them to get out and get cleaned off. Pleasant moments like those carried me throughout my career.
We pulled up to our destination after a three-hour drive. The intensity of the knots in my stomach strengthened as we walked up to the house.
Dad placed a hand on the knob and glanced at me. “Shay, you ready? I know it’s been a while.” Mom linked her arm through mine and kissed my forehead.
I grinned. “Yes, sir. As ready as I’ll ever be.” Dad nodded and opened the door.
“Hey, everybody! Look who’s with me and Loni!” My dad bellowed as he found his mama, my grandmother, and pecked her on the cheek.
“Oh, my god! Is that Little Shay?” Grandma wiped her hands on her apron, pushed Dad out of the way, and wrapped her arms around me. Tears filled her eyes as she held my cheeks. “It’s been so long! How’ve you been?”
Before I could answer, a yelp greeted me as one of my aunts ran from one of the back rooms and held me. My boisterous Aunt Jessie shoved her out of the way and thrusted a baby in my arms. “Hey Shay! You gained some meat on your bones, I see! Anyway, meet your new cousin, DeeDee! You know your cousin Tonya? She had another baby and here she is! Isn’t she perfect? Deidre is her name, but we call her DeeDee.” My aunt tickled DeeDee’s chin. DeeDee reacted by grabbing a fistful of my ombre indigo braids. I tried to laugh it off as I unwrapped her chubby fingers from my hair. My head hurt as my aunt giggled.
“I know we’ll see one of these in your arms with your husband very soon,” she sang as she cupped her chin.
“Not any time soon, Aunt Jessie.” I dumped DeeDee back in her arms.
“The baby or the husband?” She gave me a confused look.
“Both.” I waved at her, walked away, and ran right into my great-uncle Vernon.
“Hey, hey, hey! If it isn’t our soldier coming home from the war!” He swooped me into a bear hug. My lungs and arms felt as if they were going to burst. He dropped me as I wrestled with the thought of telling him I never served in the Army, but I wasn’t in the mood to open that can of worms.
I grimaced as I stretched my back and arms. “Hey, Uncle Vernon. How things with you?”
“Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Still got health problems, but thank the Lord, we still here!”
“That’s good to know. How’s Aunt Henry and the boys?” I hadn’t seen Aunt Henry since I arrived, but I assumed she was with the other women in the kitchen or the back room.
Uncle Vernon’s face fell as his voice dipped. “Aunt Henry went on to Glory a couple of months ago and the boys were off to school. They wanted to join the Army like you did, and I told them no. Ain’t no son of mine got any business of joining the military, period. All the government gonna do is use you up and spit you out.”
“I’m very sorry about Aunt Henry. She was my favorite aunt.” I tried to recall if my parents mentioned her passing.
Uncle Vernon folded his arms and shot me an icy glare. “If she was your favorite aunt, you would’ve known she’d passed. I know March and Loni told you about it.” His eyes darkened as I grabbed the gem on my necklace and moved it back and forth when Aunt Cora rushed in between me and Uncle Vernon.
“Now, Vernon, leave the child alone!” Aunt Cora put her arms around my shoulders and steered me towards the kitchen. She stuck her tongue out at Uncle Vernon as I thanked the ancestors. She gestured towards a seat at the kitchen table and shoved me down.
“Whew! Don’t mind Vernon none. He still grieving.” Aunt Cora pulled up a seat and poured me a cup of tea. She winked at me and turned her attention to my aunties, who were sharing the latest town gossip. My mind wandered off to the time I was on my fourth deployment. My friends and I sipped our beers while we talked about the latest gossip around the squadron. I heard finger snapping noises and realized Aunt Lucy was trying to get my attention.
“Sorry, Aunt Lucy. My mind went somewhere else. What did you say?”
Aunt Lucy rolled her eyes and spoke slower. “Since you’re out of the military, what you gonna do now?” All eyes were on me as they tried to act proper, but I realized I just left the frying pan and jumped into the fire.
I straightened up in my seat and cleared my throat. “Well, I’m retired now, so the sky’s the limit. I’m just thankful I made it to retirement age.” I took another sip of my tea as the women cackled.
“Chile, you ain’t that old! Retirement age?” Aunt Cora scoffed as the other women chuckled in agreement.
Aunt Lucy chimed in as she placed her hand on her pearls. “That’s what I said! Plus, you didn’t do anything over there anyway except collect a paycheck! Those wars dragged on for so long, we almost forgot you were over there! And what were you doing over there, anyway? That part of the world ain’t got nothing to do with us.”
“Not women’s work, that’s for sure. No wonder why you ain’t got a man!” Aunt Jessie barreled in with a stool and plopped down as she continued. “You were too busy being a man the entire time. See, that’s why I told my Tonya to stay out of that military stuff. If you do the military, do it for two years or until you find a husband. Then get out.”
Aunt Jessie punctuated the end of her statement by stuffing a piece of pound cake in her mouth. My aunt’s words stung. I tried to play it off, but my cheeks felt as if they were on fire and my field of vision became red and blurry.
On cue, Mom stomped into the kitchen, grabbed a couple of peanuts from the tray, and cracked them. “Y’all need to leave my baby alone! She’ll figure it out. She’s got enough money to do it.” She turned to Aunt Jessie. “You’re just mad that your daughter dropped out of college and got two, three kids by all sorts of different men and don’t even know who they are or how to spell their names to put them on child support!” She popped some peanuts in her mouth and scowled at my aunt.
Gasps of disbelief filled the air as the women chose sides. Half of my aunts looked at my mom as if they agreed with her, while the other half looked as if they wanted to beat her ass. The showdown between the women intensified, but no one dared to take a step in fear of stirring Grandma’s wrath if she felt disrespect towards her or her house. The door flew open and Grandma stormed in.
“I done told each and every one of y’all. I done already raised my children and if I have to raise yours, y’all are gonna pay me. If I catch one more of your offspring messing up my garden and with my chickens, I’m gonna tan the hide of everybody in this house!” She put her hands on her hips, casting her stern gaze on every single woman at that table except my mother.
The women sprang to their feet and scrambled outside. Grandma shook her head, sat down, and started to peel potatoes. Without looking up, she addressed Mom.
“Now. What firestorm brewed while I was out?”
Mom sighed as she started to peel potatoes as well. “Those hens are always clucking at my child. I had to remind Jessie about her situation. Again.”
“Did you have to remind her, though? Everybody knows her business.”
“Maybe they’ll think twice before messing with my baby.” Mom huffed, her knuckles white with rage as she grasped the peeler and quickened her pace.
Grandma sucked her teeth. “Anyway, LaShay, what took you so long to come ‘round here?”
I gulped. “I was working, Grandma. I couldn’t find the time to come home. After all, we were involved in two conflicts at the same time.”
Grandma stopped peeling and rubbed her knee with a weathered hand. “All this family knows is war,” She swept her arm to show off the pictures of many family members wearing the uniform, including my dad and me. “We’ve had a family member fight in every war this country was involved in, so yes, I understand. However, they always came home.”
I struggled to speak because what was on my mind wouldn’t come out respectfully. Mom nodded her head to coax me to tell my truth. I massaged my temples and dove right in.
“Every time I came ‘round, it’s always ‘when you getting married’ ‘when you going to have kids’ or ‘can you loan me some cash?’ No one’s ever asked me how I’m doing. It’s always what I can do for them.” Tears stung my eyes, but I refused to let them flow.
Grandma leaned in. “Family will show you how they care, even if it’s not in the way that makes you comfortable.” She stood up and walked off while she muttered something to herself. Mom patted me on my hand and went into the living room.
I tried to shake off that conversation, so I joined my cousins in the rec room. My cousins and their friends were in the middle of an intense Spades game. The trash talking, drinking, and lightning pace of the game reminded me of when I was stationed in Korea and my friends taught me how to play Spades for the first time. Terry, Jermaine, and Lola made sure my trash talking and card slapping game were on point. Emboldened, I stepped in.
“I got next if y’all ain’t afraid of getting y’alls’ asses whooped!”
The room erupted as my older cousin, JJ, stood up. “Damn! Shay just let y’all know what’s up! If you can play as good as you talk, you know I got you!. My current partner sucks, anyways!”
“Really, JJ? That’s what we doin’?” JJ’s current partner gave him and me a disgusted look.
“Look, Shay’s family. Maybe my luck will change if I change partners.”
“Whatever.” He got up from the seat and offered it to me. I sat down.
Round after round, we spanked our opponents to the point that no one wanted to face the JJ and Shay dynamic duo. We left the table to celebrate our wins outside. He pulled a flask from his hip and offered. I took a sip and passed it back. The sense of belonging crept into my soul. While I basked in the celebration glow, JJ asked me to spot him $1400 for his “car detailing” business. I did a double take, and he had the audacity to repeat himself. I took one last swig, handed him the flask, and dashed inside the house. Yep, that connection didn’t last long.
The fragrant scent of sweet potato bread caught my attention as Grandma called everyone for dinner. Everyone sprinted to the large family table and found a seat. The delectable bounty spread on the table convinced everyone to a ceasefire and enjoy the meal. After dinner, I thought there would be some reprieve. Instead, the questions resumed like rapid fire. Nothing was off the table: my weight gain, my hair, clothes, lack of children, and lack of a man. Deep down, I wanted to lash out, but I knew acting that way would only make me look crazy. I grabbed my jacket and slipped out to the barnyard for some air.
While I watched the pigs wallow in the mud, I felt someone nudge me. Startled, I saw Dad beside me. “Walk with me.” Without hesitation, I followed.
Dad and I walked along the pecan trees, our footsteps syncing together in a rhythmic marching beat. Our march slowed to a stroll. My dad gave a loud sigh.
“What’s going on, Number One?” Dad pulled out his cigarette pack and tapped it. His favorite show is Star Trek and, in his opinion, Captain Picard is the only character that matters. Although I do agree that Star Trek: The Next Generation is the best show ever created, my vote for the best Star Trek character is Sisko from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.
“Nothing, Dad. I just feel off.” My tongue was paralyzed.
“Why? Be specific.” He pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and pulled a drag.
I watched his face fall into a serene state. “Dad. You still smoke?” I don’t know why this surprised me. I’ve never seen him smoke, but I could always smell the residuals on his clothes and breath.
He blew out a narrow plume of smoke. “Of course, I still smoke! How the hell you think I put up with all the shit that happens in our family?” Breathing a sigh of relief, that remark was what I needed to open this conversation.
“I feel disconnected. Nothing they say or do makes me feel welcome. All they do is the nice-nasty probe to the point where they judge you.” Dad offered me a cigarette, and I put my hand up. He just shrugged and kept puffing.
He waved his hand. “Listen, we’ll always be judged. No matter where you go in life, it’s going to happen. Especially by family members. And when we judge, we usually pick apart the person we envy the most.”
“Dad, I ain’t got nothing these people want.”
“Keep telling yourself that, Number One. Look, none of your relatives left the state they were born in and if they did leave, it was either Vegas or Jamaica. But you saw the Northern Lights in Iceland, the white cliffs of Dover, and sipped tea at a tea house in Osaka. Hell, you even got to see a desert sunset on top of a camel! Those motherfuckers will never know true freedom and will try their best to make you feel as if you are no better than them, when in fact, you are.”
He paused. “For real, Shay. You’ve accomplished so much more than any of them can in their lifetime. Let’s put the cards on the table: you in your forties, virtually debt free, child free, and no other weight to hold you down. You made sound choices and are reaping the benefits while you’re young enough to enjoy it! Now, if you were them, wouldn’t you be jealous of you?”
I shook my head, knowing my dad was right. But the military took a toll on me, too. I’d lost friends lost due to suicide or to friendly or enemy fire; dealt with misogyny, racism, and sexual assaults with little to no support. And after all that, I have family members who tear me down. I felt lost. I motioned to Dad for a cigarette. He obliged and lit it for me.
“Baby, war changes you,” he continued. “You’re not the same person you were before, and you won’t be able to bring that woman back. I don’t know what you saw while you were over there, but I do know military service ain’t pretty. While our family is trying to connect to you, they can only connect to the person before the war.”
Dad then turned to face me as I puffed on my cigarette. “To be honest, I feel the same way you do sometimes. After the Gulf War, I felt as if I didn’t belong either. But I had to remember this town is all they know. I didn’t come home for years because I thought they could never understand what I’ve been through. Until I had a talk with your uncle Jimmy. He was a Vietnam Vet and the horror stories he told…” Dad stopped as his face clouded over.
A silent moment passed before he cleared his throat. It was as if he forgot he was talking to me. “All I’m saying is your uncle saved me. His suffering convinced me to seek help. I’ve been seeing a therapist for quite some time, and it’s helped tremendously. You’ve been to a therapist, right?” His eyes narrowed as he pulled out another cigarette.
“I have, but not consistently.”
“Why not? How do you expect to get better if you ain’t consistent?”
“I hate saying what’s wrong with me. Talking to somebody about it makes me feel like a failure. And I’m forced to experience the war all over again. I don’t need someone to tell me I’m messed up.”
“How can you fix something if you avoid it? You need to recognize it doesn’t just affect you. It affects everyone around you. Anyway, you served your country. You better use them people and those resources!”
“Yes, sir.” I flicked my cigarette in the air.
“Well, when it comes to your family, I’m not saying to excuse their behavior, but don’t you dare diminish your light just so you can fit in. Cause you’ll never fit in. And that’s okay. People like you and me don’t fit in, but we’re blessed with the wisdom to know when to be in our own zone and show grace.”
Dad snuffed out his cigarette and stood up.
“You know, family is anywhere you laid down roots. I suggest you get on that video phone stuff and call your people. I bet you ain’t the only one feeling the same way.”
Dad gave me a wink, and I kissed his cheek. He always knew what to say to make me feel better.
We returned to the house and saw some family members leaving, which let me know the festivities were winding down. While my mom fixed food plates for us to take home, I decided to text my girl, Lola, about the Spades game. Less than twenty-five seconds after I sent the text, my phone vibrated. I clicked over and heard an excited shriek. My cheeks hurt when I heard my friend’s voice. We exchanged holiday stories until she suggested we add Terry and Jermaine to our conversation to let them know how much I’ve grown since the early years of counting cards. I squealed in delight as I heard my big brothers on the line. After rehashing the details of the Spades game, Jermaine asked about my family dynamic since I’ve retired. I rolled my eyes and heaved a deep sigh as I told them about the multiple conversations from my family about my service, my weight, and my lack of a man. My chest tightened as the tears formed. A hush fell over us, as if we were mourning the deaths of our former family connections. Then, Terry piped up that he had the same issue connecting with his family. Gradually, the rest of the gang shared similar stories of loss, joy, and connection. It gave me great comfort, knowing I wasn’t alone. It seemed the minutes flew by when Dad signaled it was time to go. We made plans to visit each other and said our goodbyes. I hung up the phone, finally feeling complete.
During the drive home, Mom filled us in on the latest gossip while Dad murmured along. The car rocked in rhythm to the soul holiday classics on the radio. I drifted off to sleep, grateful that my life was filled with family, friends, and sweet potato bread.
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Zhyronn Carter is a retired Air Force Master Sergeant who is living life in Florida with her retired Air Force husband, two sons, and a beagle puppy who runs the household. She has published her debut novel, When the Tiger Lily Blooms, and a poetry book, Petals & Gems under her pen name, Fox Jones. When she’s not writing thrillers and short stories, she fills her time by listening to music and finding the best restaurants for brunch.
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