by Colin D. Halloran
Sometimes I have nightmares
that I’m back at war
that I’m engulfed in chaos
that bullets are once more flying.
Sometimes I have nightmares
that war is back
and I’ll be asked once more
to do those things I did
the things that give me nightmares
that make me want to kill
myself now
not others.
Because in nightmares
I am the enemy.
Always.
Sometimes I have nightmares
that I’m back at war
that chaos is everywhere
that buildings are burning
that knees are on necks
that armored men are rounding up
the innocent
that men with guns march
through simple neighborhoods
shouting incomprehensible orders
no, you cannot be on your own property
no, I cannot tell you why
no, I will not refrain from firing my weapon at you.
Sometimes I have nightmares
that I’m back at war
and sometimes I remember
that I’m not sleeping.
That this is not Afghanistan
that these armored men
are not my soldiers.
That we are not destroying
someone else’s nation
but ours.
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Colin D. Halloran served as an infantryman with the US Army in Afghanistan. He has since published three collections of poetry about war and PTSD, Shortly Thereafter, Icarian Flux, and American Etiquette. He is pursuing a PhD with a focus on war poetry and war as a cultural object. More information can be found at www.colindhalloran.com and www.warpoetrymap.com.
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