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by Jean Noel Ruhland
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Whooo! I got invited by the boys. To the club! I’m stationed at Fort Campbell, Kentucky and we’re taking a road trip to Nashville to let loose.
Gonna party like it’s 1999. I love that song. Prince is the bomb.
Oh, it is 1999.
I still can’t believe it. I’m twenty-three and went from getting a degree in dance to becoming a helicopter mechanic in the U.S. Army. I’m lucky to have two passions: dance and aviation. Both make me feel like I’m flying. I’ve invested in dance and now it’s time to soar in the sky. I couldn’t figure out how to fund my love of flight as a dancer, so I opted for an unusual choice.
I come from a long line of military, so perhaps it was inevitable. My grandfather retired as a lieutenant colonel from the Army. He had been in World War II, the Korean War, and had carried the football in the Pentagon. My father survived the Vietnam War. My uncle and his daughter both graduated from West Point. Another cousin was an Army Ranger. My brother served a tour in Iraq. All Army except for another uncle who served in the Navy. We try not to tease him too much. Still, I never thought my life would take this path.
I’m really excited to go to Nashville with the guys tonight and learn more about them. They work on Chinooks too, but that’s all I know. It’s nice serving during peacetime. It means on the weekend, we can do whatever we want.
I want to wear something modest. Actually I want to wear something girly, so I can enjoy escaping my BDUs (Battle Dress Uniform). That’s why every weekend I paint my fingernails pink—my toenails are always pink, inside my combat boots. No one knows but me. It makes me smile and reminds me I’M A WOMAN. I’d like to wear a dress, but I won’t. I’ll choose something more modest. Jeans and a t-shirt? Yes.
Turning on the radio I realize it’s one of my favorite singers: Madonna. I swing my hips and sway to the beat while applying some makeup. I feel like a Lucky Star, just like the title of the song.
“You must be my lucky star,” I belt out along with her. “Cause you shine on me wherever you are, I just think of you and I start to glow. Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonight.”
Simple makeup as usual. Little extra mascara. More blush ‘cause the club will be dim. I think I hear them coming down the hall. Boy, they sound like boys. Too funny.
Here we go. Why do I have to sit in the back? I guess I am “just one of the boys.” This is a fun drive. Lots of lights. I love looking out the window on a drive. If it were warm enough, I’d stick my head out like a dog and watch the world go by.
Nashville signs approaching. Getting off the highway. We are close. The boys have been laughing and talking the whole time. Seems like they’re on a different planet. I can’t get a word in edgewise.
Parked. Dang it, I don’t want to bring all this stuff with me. They say I can leave some of it in the car. Don’t want this coat. Tuck my wallet in the crease of the car seat to hide it. Just a bit of cash, ID card? Check. Ready to roll. Brrrr. This is a long hill, let’s run. I’m so excited!
I hope I get to hang out with Tim. He makes me laugh and truly treats me like one of the boys. That day that he crushed my bag of Doritos while I was working on one of the birds seemed sort of mean, but he felt bad once he realized they were mine. Boys tease each other different from girls, I guess.
Ooo, no line at da club. Sweet! Boy, this place is big. Boy, that music is loud! Boy, my thoughts are loud! What do I want to drink? Gonna take it easy. One drink, one water. That’s my secret rule. Rum and coke so I can stay awake. I’m up later than I’m used to. Yup, that’s the ticket. Do I want to dance? Yessssssss!
This. Feels. So. Dang. Good.
I forgot how much I loved dancing. Ah, thank goodness. Tim wants to dance with me. Yayyyy! I. Feel. So. Happy!
Water time. Where’s the time going? Where are the other guys going? Well, Tim is still here with me. They’re turning the lights out. Oh. Okay. Just flashing them. Guess that means “Get out!” Where to now?
“They left?” I ask him. “Are they coming back for us?”
“They went to a girl’s house,” says Tim.
“Figures. Why didn’t they take us with them?” He smirks back in response. I guess they were not thinking with their heads or hearts.
I’m hungry. Quiet out here. I thought Nashville was a big city. Where is everyone? Ooo, a Denny’s. Goody! It’s warm in here. Denny’s coffee in the big Denny’s mug. Breakfast for dinner. Love it! Eggs. Bacon. Hash browns. Yummy.
“What are we going to do now?”
“Get a hotel,” he offers like a gentleman. “We’ll head back to the barracks tomorrow.”
Everything’s a little blurry. Maybe one too many drinks. I thought Denny’s would soak up the booze by now. Shit! My stuff is in the car. I don’t have any money. I want to ask for my own room, but I feel stupid. There are two beds. I guess I’ll sleep in my jeans. This is going to be comfortable. Not. It’s chilly in this room, but it will warm up. Tim’s putting the heat on. I’m sleepy. Tired. The room’s spinning a bit. I feel a smile on my face. That feels good. It was a fun night and Tim makes me feel safe. I want to sleep. My eyes flutter close.
* * *
Tim says he’s cold. He’s 6’2” and fit as heck. I don’t buy it, but I’m too tired to argue. Besides, he’s just a friend. And he’s married. As he moves over to my bed I realize: Fuck! Why is the room spinning? Wait—Is he trying to kiss me? I’ll pretend to be asleep… he will stop. Stop waking me up.
“I MEAN IT you asshole,” I screech. “I’m tired! NO.”
I said no. Why won’t this idiot take “no” for an answer?
Oh, we’re doing this? You’re gonna try and roll me over while I’m sleeping? Hello? Take a hint! Get back in your bed! I said no. My body is saying NO. But you aren’t listening to ME.
I beg, “PLEASE DON’T!” NO! STOP!
Now I’m awake. But I might as well play dead. I might as well be dead. It doesn’t seem like he would care. OKAY. TOO FAR. That’s it. I’m out of here.
I leave my body and watch from the top corner of the room. I feel safe, protected, and protective of her from up here.
If you asked me if I believed in out-of-body experiences before this, I would have rolled my eyes at you. But that’s what happened to me.
* * *
Pst, Hey Tim, you’re having sex with a corpse. Is this fun for you? Holding me down? Is this how you get off? I barely weigh a hundred pounds. You weigh twice that. You’re crushing me.
Even from up here I can feel the sensations and they are numb. Did I put lipstick on? What happened to my jeans? Oh yeah. You yanked them off me and they got stuck on my ankles. So, you gave up on the jeans and just went for it. Didn’t rip my t-shirt though. Thank you for that. At least I’ll go home looking like I’m in one piece. I feel like I’m being slobbered on by a big gross boar who ate Denny’s. Uhh, Tim, don’t you have a wife and kid? Aren’t they going to be worried? Did you call them?
Dangling in time, I watch him.
It’s weird up here. The room looks like a snow globe. This corner smells like stale cigarettes. I feel like I’m so high up that I can’t get down. I don’t want to get down though. I’m safe up here.
“Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonight. Starlight, starbright.”
I feel so sorry this is happening to her, but she will survive.
“Make everything all right.”
Make everything all right. Make everything all right.
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Note: The author would like to acknowledge the guidance of April Fitzsimmons, whose work with the Veterans Writing and Performance Project at the Geffen Playhouse helped develop this piece initially.
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Jean Noel Ruhland grew up with a long military legacy and continues to have great respect for it. She had to get out of the Army after the experience you just read. She hopes her story will shed light on changes that need to be made in that culture. Currently Jean is achieving her MFA in Creative Writing at Mount Saint Mary’s University based in Los Angeles and is an example that life can go on.
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