Category: Partners

Giving and Taking- Part Three of Three

by Robert Tanner

Please read Part One and Part Two to understand where this picks up:

A couple of frantic minutes later, the noise in my mind was interrupted by Leigh’s soothing voice. By concentrating on her words, I was able to re‐focus my thoughts and get back to the task at hand. She had us focus on a loved one that was sick or in need of help. With every inhale, we were to take in their suffering and with every exhale, concentrate on giving out love, hope, and understanding. As my son was sick that day, I envisioned taking away his suffering with every breath in, and with every exhale, sending him love and wellness. A few moments later, I began the same process, but focused on the parents of my fallen brothers. With every inhale, I imagined taking away the pain they felt from losing their sons, and with every exhale, sent them my love and understanding.

However, it only took a few more breaths before my mind went nuts again. I was trying so hard to concentrate but kept failing. Finally, Leigh Anne guided us to come out of our meditative state. All I could think about as I came back to full awareness was how completely I had failed at meditation. I was disappointed because I thought I would only heal if I were able to concentrate the whole time.

But then, I realized that I had completely lost track of time as we were meditating.  What had felt like ten minutes had actually been a full half hour. Also, I noted with surprise that I felt different, almost airy. My senses seemed more attuned, as if I could hear things better, could really feel each step I took.  Everything looked lighter, as if it were emitting some kind of aura. As I was pulled out of the parking lot, the world seemed a little bit clearer.

It’s been nearly two weeks now and I find myself using Tonglen almost daily. In tense situations, I focus on my breathing and my surroundings. With each breath, I concentrate on the cause of the tension and why it brings me suffering, and with each exhale, I bring to mind thoughts of happiness and healing. I do the same when I feel the guilt start to creep in. I focus on the cause of my guilt, the suffering of the families and friends, and when I exhale, I try to extend my thoughts of happiness to them, in hopes that I can in some way help them to heal as well.

I went into this experience somewhat skeptical but with an open mind. I can say with all my heart that I am truly convinced that there are ways other than medication to heal. Things seem to be looking up. Maybe meditation is my calling after all.

© Serve the Warrior 2013 All Rights Reserved

Learn more at www.servethewarrior.org

Giving and Taking – Part Two of Three

by: Robert Tanner

Please read Part One to understand where this picks up:

Thursday evening, I pulled into the parking lot of Sacred Om Yoga in Point Pleasant, NJ, feeling a bit nervous. “What did I get myself into,” I wondered as I made my way across the parking lot.  I wanted so badly for this to help, to feel that same sense of relief as when I finished the writing, but I was afraid.  I wasn’t convinced that meditation could actually help me. It’s not that I didn’t have an open mind; it’s just that I wasn’t sure everything would go as planned.

In the lobby, I was greeted by the owner, Susan, a very pleasant woman who made me feel welcome. As I was a few minutes early, I sat and made small talk with her. Soon, however, the lobby began to fill up with people of various genders and ages who were apparently taking the same class.  At that point, my anxiety kicked in: with so many people in the room, I was sure to get distracted.

Finally, the door to the yoga studio opened. A few people from the yoga class that had just ended decided to stick around, doubling the size of the meditation class. Leigh Anne, the instructor, greeted us, inviting us into the studio.  Taking my cue from the other students, I removed my shoes and socks and entered a large dimly lit room where pleasant South East Asian music played softly in the background. Leigh Anne instructed us to grab a pillow and a couple of blankets. We were to sit on the pillow with our legs crossed and lay the blanket on the floor beneath us so we’d have something to rest our feet on.

After everyone was settled, I was sure that we were going to break out in the dreaded chanting.  However, Leigh Anne just walked around the room handing out slips of paper to each student. I glanced at the paper. It was titled ‘Tonglen’ and gave a quick description of this style of meditation.

For the next twenty minutes, Leigh Anne went into detail about Tonglen, explaining its origin and how to practice the technique. For those unfamiliar with Tonglen, the word means “giving and taking” in Tibetan. When practicing Tonglen, you visualize taking on the suffering of others when you breathe in, and then giving happiness and success to them when you breathe out. As I sat there listening, I began to feel my backside go numb and I started wondering if we were actually going to meditate.

Leigh Anne wrapped up her talk and lowered the lights even more. She began by having us close our eyes and focus on our breath. Her voice was tranquil and soothing, like ocean waves. For the first few minutes, I was quite proud of myself for being as able focus on my breathing. But then, without warning, all hell broke loose inside my head. Thoughts came flooding in of the day’s events, what was coming up tomorrow, if my kids were going to get over their colds.  At that point, I started freaking out because my lack of focus was going to ruin the whole point of the exercise. How was this ever going to help me if I couldn’t concentrate?

TO BE CONTINUED… 

© Serve the Warrior 2013 All Rights Reserved

Learn more at www.servethewarrior.org

Giving and Taking- Part One of Three

by Robert Tanner

Nearly ten years ago, I sat in the cargo bay of a C-130 as a USMC infantryman on my way to Kuwait. I was part of a contingent of Marines deployed to Fallujah, Iraq to help restore order and bring peace to the people of the region. Seven grueling, heart-wrenching months later, I left Fallujah knowing that I had done my job to the best of my ability, but at a cost. Too many good friends had passed during our time and the mental toll this had taken on us all was enormous.

When we got back to the United States, I tried not to think much of what happened in Iraq. I fought internally to keep the bad memories out of mind. My line of thought was out of sight, out of mind. So, I avoided discussions and situations that would make me relive my experiences.  I may have had an easier time blocking out those memories because what I experienced wasn’t nearly as bad as what some other guys did. I think that is the main reason I have avoided some of the horrible PTSD symptoms that a lot of us have dealt with.

A few years have passed since that deployment. I went to school, graduated, got a good job, married a wonderful woman, and was able to be there for the birth of my two sons. However, even though I was home, I was still fighting an internal war. So many good things had happened to me, but I was wracked with overwhelming guilt: why did I get to have all this when eight of my brothers would never have the same opportunity? The incessant guilt still nags at me today.

To overcome it, I tried various treatments. I went the traditional route with a doctor, but eventually quit when I didn’t see much progress. I tried taking medication, but pills just aren’t my thing. The first suggestion for an alternative way to relieve the pain actually came from the doctor.  He told me to write my memories down. I thought he was full of it, but one day, when the guilt was smothering me, I decided to try it. From that point on, I was hooked. I wrote for hours and hours until each memory was out of my head and on a piece of paper. It took many years for me to write it all down, but once I did, I felt a bit of weight fall from my shoulders. I’ve actually turned those memories into a book called Memoirs of an Outlaw: Life in the Sandbox.

After feeling that sense of relief, I started to wonder if there were other things out there that would offer something similar. Researching alternative therapies, I stumbled across the Serve the Warrior Twitter account.  This brought me to their website, where I must have spent an hour reading ‘The Flying Guinea Pig’ blog posts.  It dawned on me that this was what I had been searching for, so I sent a quick tweet and was immediately contacted by the founder, Julia Decker. Julia’s enthusiasm for the mission of Serve The Warrior gave me the confidence I needed to sign up for an alternative therapy session.

The problem was, what would I try? I had never done anything like this before and didn’t know where to start. I turned to my wife, Melissa, who is a yoga instructor in our hometown Toms River, New Jersey. With her encouragement, I looked into several of the studios in our area before settling on a place that seemed suited to my experience and needs.

After some deliberation, I decided to try a meditation class. I didn’t think I was flexible enough for yoga, and in my mind, meditation seemed pretty straightforward. I’d go in, sit down, cross my legs, and begin chanting with the rest of the folks. I had seen it done that way numerous times on television and in movies, so obviously that was how it was going to go down, right? Boy, was I wrong.

Click here to read part two of three.

© Serve the Warrior 2013 All Rights Reserved

Learn more at www.servethewarrior.org

Military Experience and the Arts has forged an information-sharing partnership with the likeminded organization “Serve the Warrior,” a national all-volunteer run nonprofit organization based in Los Angeles.

Serve the Warrior’s mission is “to create community spaces that support healing and provide therapeutic tools to defend against the invisible wounds that American Veterans bring home from war.”

Their focus isn’t just on wounds. They deal primarily with “healing and wellness themed programming and events that encompasses both traditional and nontraditional healing modalities. STW programs are offered virtually, locally, and nationally including a nonpartisan, national, annual retreat that expands across the country with programming specifically catered to each community.” As an organization that prides itself on taking the healing power of the creative arts to the masses, we’ve heard from countless veterans about how thinking outside the box can often be the first step in the healing journey. Serve the Warrior seems to share that idea and we are happy to partner with them.

Starting next week, militaryexperience.org will run a three part series from Serve the Warrior’s blog, “The Flying Guinea Pig.”

The series, entitled “Giving and Taking” and authored by Robert Tanner, is a story of one Marine’s use of yoga to overcome the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress that followed him home from the Iraq War. Part One focuses upon the return home, part two upon the author’s introduction to meditation, and part three concludes the series with an objective evaluation of the experience.

Tanner is one of several”Guinea Pigs” who contributes to the blog regularly, seeking out unique forms of healing and reporting back on them. Serve the Warrior hopes that veterans curious about alternative approaches to healing will use the perspectives found in The Flying Guinea Pig to decide for themselves what to try and what not to try.

Stay tuned to our website for the first part of Tanner’s “Giving and Taking.” In the meantime, learn more about Serve the Warrior by clicking here.